How to Deal With the Fact Youll Never See Someone Again Who Died

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How do you cope with death, knowing that you will never see that person again?

• Thread starter Unrivaled
• Start date Jan 26, 2021

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• #1

I am genuinely interested if there are any successful ways you cope with the death of a loved one? For those of you who aren't religious.

I personally have had 4 grandparents pass away when I was a kid which really didn't affect me long term. Probably because I didn't know them that well.

My mom died when I was in high school over a decade ago and I still really miss her as we were really close. Most days I don't think about it and block it out. But when I do think about her I have a heard time accepting the fact that I'll never get to talk to her again. I had a close friend die years ago as well and I get emotional just thinking that I'll never get to talk to either of them ever again.

Are these feelings normal and how do you personally cope with death? I just find it so difficult to grasp that someone is gone forever.

• #2

It just gets easier over time, but there will always be moments of sad reflection. If you are really struggling its good to talk about it with others, be it friends family or professionals.

• #4

My mom died last year and frankly, I don't really have any idea.

I think about it/her nearly everyday. It's not always overtly sad thoughts, obviously, but the end result usually just leaves me feeling down.

I also still get these weird, intense and "panicky" moments where it seems to hit me all over again that she is gone and I'll never see or talk to her again. those have at least faded in frequency with time, but man it's all just so strange and tough to process.

• #5

I am genuinely interested if there are any successful ways you cope with the death of a loved one? For those of you who aren't religious.

I personally have had 4 grandparents pass away when I was a kid which really didn't affect me long term. Probably because I didn't know them that well.

My mom died when I was in high school over a decade ago and I still really miss her as we were really close. Most days I don't think about it and block it out. But when I do think about her I have a heard time accepting the fact that I'll never get to talk to her again. I had a close friend die years ago as well and I get emotional just thinking that I'll never get to talk to either of them ever again.

Are these feelings normal and how do you personally cope with death? I just find it so difficult to grasp that someone is gone forever.

It is very hard to cope with death, at least it was on my end of the longest time. Last week was the 2 year anniversary that my younger brother was killed by a drunk driver on the way to work. He was 39 years old, wasn't married yet nor didn't have any kids. I'm married with a family and busy with work so this helps keep me occupied, but at first I was going to that dark place quite a bit after he had passed away. I've had to do a lot of soul searching and trying to keep myself busy over these last two years to not get as depressed when this all first happened.

There are times where I do sit and think about my brother, how I do miss him being around which does bring me down. Like you, I do think it is normal to get sad at the thought that you will never see your mom or friend again. When I get depressed about this now, it tends to last for 2-3 days and then I snap out of it.

You are not alone in how you are thinking, even to this day I am still waiting sometimes for my brother to walk through the door and say I fooled all you guys......I'm alive. Death and even the situation that my brother was in is still somewhat hard to process to this day as we are still going through court with the guilty party, so that part of this whole thing doesn't bring any peace.

But, as much as it sucks thinking about that person that passed away because it brings us down.......you do not want to stop thinking about them that you forget about them either. It helps with the healing process to think of the good times we have shared. I am by no means an expert at any of this, but there are times where I am okay talking about this to others and then times where I do start tearing up because it still hurts.

• #6

To quoth My Chemical Romance...

"I can see you awake, anytime, in my head."

They're never really gone, not when I can remember them. Not when I can hear their voice and smell their scent. That is real. That is mine.

• #7

Everything fades with time.

• #8

this is where religion comes into play for most people

Sam Harris had a pretty insightful/helpful lecture on death a few years back but I'm not sure I can share it because he's pretty controversial nowadays

• #9

I lost my younger sister about 4 years ago, it would have been her birthday last Friday, we threw a memorial party for her and the family donated money to a charity she would have supported under her name.

It's still awkward to talk about and it still upsets us to this day. But it is important that we do acknowledge it and try to remember the good times. You can't let the negative thoughts stew up by constantly ignoring them, otherwise, they will overflow and just make you entirely miserable all the time.

• #10

My girlfriend passed away back in August. Heart attack at 31. I still can't handle it. I never thought I'd ever miss someone as much as I miss her. I smell her perfume and hear her laughter everyone once in awhile. It's crazy.

• #11

my moms death 6 years ago really affected me and i guess i just learned to live without her. not like i had any choice. my sister and my nieces moved in with me a year later due to other circumstances and i think that really helped get my mind off of how everything went down.

• #12

It's difficult and only time really heals it. As someone else mentioned, many people find their spiritual side which helps a lot with the coping process.

• #13

Whatever will be will be. Just hold right to their memory, they aren't fully gone till all who knew them are.

• #14

My mom died last year and frankly, I don't really have any idea.

I think about it/her nearly everyday. It's not always overtly sad thoughts, obviously, but the end result usually just leaves me feeling down.

I also still get these weird, intense and "panicky" moments where it seems to hit me all over again that she is gone and I'll never see or talk to her again. those have at least faded in frequency with time, but man it's all just so strange and tough to process.

Yeah I understand, I still get those from time to time. Not often enough that it interferes with my life, but it's hard to think about.

• #15

this is where religion comes into play for most people

Sam Harris had a pretty insightful/helpful lecture on death a few years back but I'm not sure I can share it because he's pretty controversial nowadays

I'm not religious and I believe they are completely gone. I couldn't even fake that I believe I'll see them again, which sucks.

• #16

Yeah I understand, I still get those from time to time. Not often enough that it interferes with my life, but it's hard to think about.

Trust me ,it fades as you go on living your life.

• #17

My grandmother died years ago and I still think about her from time to time. I decided this year I was going to take off work for her birthday and "celebrate" with her by doing stuff we did when she was here.

• #18

I lost my half-brother a number of years ago, and it left a hole in my heart that has never been filled.

The days after he died were awful. I often thought I'd never get through it and be able to even laugh again. The only thing I can say is time and friends and other members of the family helped out immensely.

Acknowledging that I still miss him a lot helps too, in an odd sort of way.

• #19

Not well. The thought of death, losing my wife, my pets or anyone close to me scares the shit out of me and keeps me up at night pretty often. I lost my mom almost 3 years ago and i'm still struggling with it every day. Sometimes i do something and the first thought is "oh lemme tell my mom" and then it feels like im going through the whole process of her dying all over again. Tried counseling and a bunch of other stuff but nothing helped so far.

• #20

Coping with this is a big reason why many turn to religion.

• #21

I lost my father 6 months ago in a motorbike accident, I'm 29, and I think about him everyday. Only thing to say is that the pain become "acceptable" with time passing, but we will always miss the person, no matter what, and life won't have the same taste anymore, even if we, for sure, still have good times with other person.

I guess it's different when death comes from old age, because it's most acceptable as it's just the circle of life, but when it happened out of nowhere, when you didn't have time to say goodbye or forge more memories with the loved one, it's difficult to accept and move on.

But (un)fortunately, live goes on, and we are confronted with two choices: accept and live with it while keeping the good memories in our mind, and talk to others about that person to still keep it alive in our live and mind, or not going over it and forever feeling something is missing in our life, which can lead to depression, which is really hard to get over.

He and I were pretty close, and I always felt like he was one of the only on Earth to truly understand me, and we could talk about anything without any fear of being judged.

There's no universal solution, each of us deal with death in a certain way. For me, it's knowing I'm living without regrets as I did and enjoyed every moment with that person without never letting a bad situation between us being long enough that I would tell myself "If I knew, I would have". My father died in an happy mood, we were supposed to see each other the day after for a good week together, he just received my letter for "Father's Day", and he was about to give a conference about the field we was working in for years. That helps knowing he didn't die in a bad mood, I just wish I could have tell him one last time how a great father he was to me and how much I learned from him and I truly value the legacy his mind and footprint had on me.

• #22

Trust me ,it fades as you go on living your life.

Yes, but I'm saying when I think about them, that is when the feelings come back.

I can go a weeks and months without thinking about it, then suddenly something reminds me of them and it hits me again.

PMS341

Attempted to circumvent ban with alt-account

• #23

My dad passed away ~3 years ago and I think about him every day. I probably always will. I guess the type of thoughts have changed, mostly, and I constantly think about all the good times we had, or all the weird shit we did, or just the better moments that are actually moments that truly stuck with me, good or bad. I also just had one of my best friends pass away about two weeks ago due to a drug overdose, and his life was actually going so incredibly well. I cried for days and still do sometimes, but after attending his funeral (virtually) and listening to people talk about the best memories of him, it also helped me think of the best memories I had as well.

So I suppose, OP, as many have echoed, they are never really gone, because you will always remember them, or think about them in some way. That doesn't just disappear. Without trying to sound morbid, death is just another part of life, and there never really is a "right time" or anything for it - but accepting it is both important and good.

• #24

Yes, but I'm saying when I think about them, that is when the feelings come back.

I can go a weeks and months without thinking about it, then suddenly something reminds me of them and it hits me again.

Have you actually processed their deaths, but regardless vestiges are normal.

• #25

My grandmother passed away in July of last year. It still hurts sometimes. There are just random moments where I breakdown and cry. A lot of the time, I think about good memories and I still smile. I'm still trying to process it. It still doesn't feel real at times. I know she'd want me to keep going and think fondly of her instead of hurting.

It's even harder now knowing that I may lose my father soon.

• #26

not like i had any choice.

This is how I got over my own existential fears. Ultimately, I have to die someday. Everyone I know will as well. Any panic or discomfort I get over those things has to be dealt with just like my ever-worsening knees. "Something to get used to"

• #27

Every time I hear about death I think about this conversation from Please Like Me because I think it explains everything easily and candidly.

• #28

Have you actually processed their deaths, but regardless vestiges are normal.

I think so, if someone was to bring them up it's all good memories.

I understand they are gone, but it's still tough to think about NEVER seeing them again. I can kind of see why people turn to religion.

• #29

They are free from this evil called life so I'm just happy for them.

• #30

You don't, really.

You process it, you come to terms with it, but so far for me I just accept that it will hurt for the rest of my life off and on. You get used to people not being around anymore, but certain things make you reflect and that drags it back up. Getting to a point where it's just that, reflection, and not an inhibitor to your ability to function, is the key.

But you live, and you move forward.

In a lot of ways (and sometimes I feel guilty about saying this, like I'm betraying the people who've passed or that it means I value them less, which isn't true obviously) I sometimes miss people I loved and had in my life that are still alive but distant more than I miss those who've passed. There's a lot of pain in the finality of death, but there's also a lot of... well, finality. The people who are still out there, just not in your life anymore, and the uncertainty of whether you'll ever reconnect can be a lot worse than the acceptance of never having the choice.

• #31

I lament those who will never know that person

I'm...not sure where I got that from though

• #32

I think so, if someone was to bring them up it's all good memories.

I understand they are gone, but it's still tough to think about NEVER seeing them again. I can kind of see why people turn to religion.

It sucks but you learn to live with it, otherwise you'll be crushed. You are correct, this is one of the reason people are religious.

• #33

They are free from this evil called life so I'm just happy for them.

Don't get me wrong I was relieved for example when my mom died because she had been suffering badly with cancer.

It did suck though, one day you think it's stage 1 cancer and suddenly she gets really ill and it's stage 4 and gone a week later. And the last memories are of her in pain.

I think that is the part I have blocked from my memories for a decade.

• #34

You just gotta accept that it's the natural order of the world.
It will hurt, will it go away? It depends. It's up to you how to handle it.
We just need to keep moving forward.

• #35

Yes, but I'm saying when I think about them, that is when the feelings come back.

I can go a weeks and months without thinking about it, then suddenly something reminds me of them and it hits me again.

This happens every so often for the various people or pets that I've lost over the years. There's that feeling of sadness, I start to think about the circumstances of their death and it makes me feel guilty for having been laughing at something stupid online or whatever. I usually try to get my mind off the negative aspects of death by thinking about the good times I had with them, and how fortunate I was to know them and have them in my life. The sadness just kind of goes and it's replaced with more happy thoughts. Time really does heal, and helps with this process. The sadness and negativity doesn't last as long.

• #36

It's still so odd to me. Lost my dad last year and I'm still in disbelief that I'll never see him again. Hits me every month or so.
When my wife and daughter try and tell me he's literarily looking down on me in certain situations I bite my tongue and smile.

• #37

I don't. My mom died 10 yrs ago and I still mourn from time to time. As time passes, I prioritize my focus on many other things but sadness is always there when I think about her.

• #38

All I can say is that death sucks for all of us, whether it happens to us or those we know and love. There's not getting out of it or used to it. I lost my dad in 2019. We weren't close, since he moved 3,000 miles away when I was 13 and left us poor with no child support. I saw him about 8 times between 18 and 42 when he died, but we were mostly okay when he went. I was surprised how much I cried when I heard. I never got the grand reconciliation. I always felt like an afterthought in his life. I think the tough part is coming to terms with the fact that YOU are going to die and not letting that terrify you.

• #40

I'm pseudo laissez-faire. I note the importance of missing things, I don't dwell on them.

Life is too short to dwell on things that have happened that you have no control. Love those who have you have lost but don't stop it from loving those who are still here.

• #41

I don't. My mom died 10 yrs ago and I still mourn from time to time. As time passes, I prioritize my focus on many other things but sadness is always there when I think about her.

Well that's good to hear the feelings are normal then.

• #42

All I can say is that death sucks for all of us, whether it happens to us or those we know and love. There's not getting out of it or used to it. I lost my dad in 2019. We weren't close, since he moved 3,000 miles away when I was 13 and left us poor with no child support. I saw him about 8 times between 18 and 42 when he died, but we were mostly okay when he went. I was surprised how much I cried when I heard. I never got the grand reconciliation. I always felt like an afterthought in his life. I think the tough part is coming to terms with the fact that YOU are going to die and not letting that terrify you.

I'm not scared to die because I won't even know I have.

I'm more scared to lose more people suddenly. I'm terrified to lose my dad, sister and best friends. This pandemic does not help those feelings.

• #43

Sounds bad but time. My best friend killed himself almost a decade ago. When I️ think about it it bums me out but it is what it is. Me being upset isn't bringing him back

• #44

If you haven't seen it, I recommend you watch this speech by Joe Biden, talking to families who have lost loved ones in the military. As someone who has dealt with a fair amount of death in my life, including unexpected deaths, his words really hit home.

• #45

Remember all the good times with them, and try to not to dwell on the bad or imagine what ifs.

Most importantly remember that they wouldn't want your memories of them to be filled with regret or sadness, and they would want you to move forward and live your life.

• #46

Not gonna lie, Ive thought abt this alot recently, and honestly i dont think ill ever be able to fully cope with my mom or grandma dying. I just love them too much.

• #47

Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be anything that can help, other than time healing the wound. Honestly I think this is the primary reason that religion still exists and will continue to exist. Most people can't handle the crushing weight of what forever means. I know I can't, and I wish I could trick myself into buying it.

• #48

I buried my mother Friday after a sudden death on Tuesday morning.
So far the coping has been, not great. I can't take off work and just have to bury it all way down and I feel like one random thing could go wrong and I'm just going to snap.

• #49

My husband died in September. Let me know if someone has any fucking clue how to cope with this.

Fucking hell, I am never going to be able to watch this again.

• #50

Not gonna lie, Ive thought abt this alot recently, and honestly i dont think ill ever be able to fully cope with my mom or grandma dying. I just love them too much.

Yeah, same here. My mom says I need someone in my life because we are really close and when she dies I won't have anyone to help me through it as I did with her after her Mom's death. But for whatever reason, my brain just isn't capable of connecting with people I don't know so I will be alone and I'm not sure how I'll ever get through it.

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Source: https://www.resetera.com/threads/how-do-you-cope-with-death-knowing-that-you-will-never-see-that-person-again.368523/

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